It always interests me to see what story will come from me next….
I post here either to mark something in some way or in support of your awakening too.
However, this is one that I certainly didn’t see coming in my late 50’s but oh god how grateful I am that it is, finally I am home.
Here is a shortened version of what I mean by that within my own awakening process - in this moment.
As a very small child I saw Spirit (energy of those who have died in physical form) and generally that was ok, but sometimes it was terrifying, and I recall blocking many times what I saw or heard because of that huge fear.
I was very young and didn’t discuss how to do this, it wasn’t selective, so all was blocked at that time including no doubt many magickal things too.
I dabbled with friends in spiritual play during my teens, but again fear would arise, and I would back away quickly, no doubt recalling my previous experiences.
In early adult years I attended various Spiritual meetings & circles, some of which were held at the Bolton Hotel here in Brixham. I caught the attention of and was taken under the wing of Ethel Wilkins, a local woman and Clairvoyant. I was invited to visit her house weekly for 1 – 1 tutoring, she was quite a force and later I discovered she founded Brixham United Spiritualist Church.
Jump to my late 30’s and 40’s I was still attending open and then closed circles, needing to be in an understanding environment to find somewhere which supported how I was, however briefly or inadequately it was felt at that time.
And yet also again alongside the needing to know, to learn and acknowledge and be acknowledged as “gifted” or special in some way, another pattern continued to grow. It was evident whilst I trained for Cruse (bereavement counselling) that it was not appropriate that I see the dead and share what I saw from psychic perspective in any way, therefore any previous block to it I had put in place was reinforced.
Again, later in Psychotherapy training it appeared to “get in the way”, in fact I felt to be overwhelmed and did indeed experience a break down (break through) during this 4-year training and so all abilities were “switched off”.
Without deeply questioning why at that time, I continued searching, I became ordained as a Christian Spiritualist Minister, I moved through healing modalities to include training in Spiritualist Healing / Counselling, Reiki, Shamanism and moved into Paganism and Witchcraft, all of which I felt at home with, comfortable with and met to a certain extent…. Healing was continually taking place within my mind and body with each and yet I was still searching, still seeking.
The pain of this I feel whilst writing these words, grief has been moving through me since a full realisation a few days ago. And yet on reflection, it has been a slow dawning during conversations with a dear friend and a question he was bound to ask me.
From this question I began to see that without realising, without knowing any consequence of my actions, I had disowned my own amazing abilities and placed them into my Shadow Self, judging them and not accepting them as a loveable part of my character. And reinforcing this, each time they were suggested to be unacceptable, inappropriate or unhelpful in some way.
A belief I had at that time was seen and fully accepted, that these beautiful gifts might repel prospective clients who wish to work with me in Counselling, seeing them as something almost repellent within me and yet in fact I denied not only myself but those who I may have served if I had worked from being as I already am.
This repulsion, born from misunderstanding and deep fear was my own, which was then simply projected out onto the world surrounding me.
I had completely denied what and who I was from such a small age and now I am honouring all of that here. And within this deep grief I also see deep, deep sparks of excitement beginning to flutter around. I have no idea what’s next, but I know that is has magick in it and it always did.
Now, there no denying that within my Self Enquiry what has been found. A diamond, multifaceted, buried so deeply it has taken years of searching to find and how it shines!
The brightness is here patterns will continue to dissolve as they are seen and right now there is no fighting, no hiding can occur, there is simply love.
Yes, I feel fear moving through me at times, at many things. Also, I see the resentment I have felt move through my body over the years without realising why. How I have re-acted with those around me and I feel a deep sadness move through me to see that now. I say please forgive me as I am forgiving myself.
I’m aware of fear at what I may see as I open my eyes widely and fully but I’m not a small child, and in opening I know that I am also only ever held with unconditional love. I welcome the fear and anything else which arises in my body now, fully to be finally met with love and my own acceptance.
The fear will pass as it always does, the grief will lessen and yet I don’t wish it to be gone. Because in all of that passing though my body, again it will be honoured as any doubt also leaves.
There is one thing I am sure of and that is, within this continued evolving, unfolding of who I am. I continually see opportunity which life brings and gives so easily. To be knowing of who you are, to be fully loved, fully accepted as you are right now.
All else is madness, as I read my own words here I see the madness of Self denial so clearly and without blame and yet when it is happening to you rarely is it seen with such clarity during that time.
My hope is, that in sharing this story, it moves something to shift within you. So that you continually question your own self love and acceptance.
I thought to have understood the following beautiful quote, but the full understanding came during that very same conversation, where I could clearly see how I had been knocking & banging from within to be let out of the prison I had created.
But I recalled the words from within my own rising grief….
“I have lived on the lip of insanity, wanting to know reasons, knocking on a door. It opens. I've been knocking from the inside.”